Perfect plans, imperfect reality

Why is it so hard to get up early in the morning or hit the gym after work? Why it seems so boring to eat healthy every day? Why cannot we just be happy with our daily routine? Why is it so hard to follow a plan? Why do we constantly give up?

“It will never be perfect!”

I’ve always struggled with keeping my nutrition healthy as well as maintaining my workouts. Although I was never overweight nor did I have any health problems, I’ve often felt like I am not living my full potentials because I am not in my best shape and I am not eating right, sleeping right, working out regularly…It has made me feel exhausted, even depressed. Better lifestyle not only improves my physical condition, but also my mental state, I am more focused on what I do, I have more energy and I accomplish more during the day. I proved that to myself million times. But, I still like to sleep longer, eat sweets, delay things “for Monday”. I know that my daily routine will never be “perfect” and it is okay that way. I’m not punishing myself for that and the repeating “failures” are not hunting me any more. I just balance between responsibilities and pleasure the way I can (crossing both boundaries occasionally).

I tend to ignore my alarm clock (especially on weekends) because I stay up late at night. My thoughts go wild when the rest of the world sleeps and I seem to have so much energy at that time that I could go jogging, but what would you say to an idiot who runs around the block in the middle of the night? Then, I just do Yoga instead. When I can’t fall asleep, I often think about my choices, my life, my friends, my relationships, my diet, my job, my plans…and I get hundred ideas about what I could do differently (better) tomorrow and how could I improve things. During the night, the magic happens in my thoughts: I come up with a new fitness program, I develop business plans, I practice speeches, I discuss my relationship problems, I fight with my ex-boss, I even think about the world’s issues like pollution and terrorism. This crazy brainstorming with myself looks very promising and all of my plans seem very achievable. I get so excited about them that I can’t wait for tomorrow.

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“My great plans somehow look different in the light of a day”

For example, I often imagine I would start my “perfect daily routine” with a cup of tea followed by a group of  morning stretching exercises and a mini spa treatment for my skin. But usually when the sun comes up, my great plans somehow fall apart, somehow look different in the light of a day. I often feel like I’m hundred years old when I wake up and I suddenly lose all of the enthusiasm from the night before.  All of my ideas seem nothing more but a nice dream. And also, reality often has other plans for me. My great ideas are then somehow “put on a hold”.  There is another phone call that messes up my schedule or I oversleep or I get a new assignment that I didn’t count on the night before. And let’s be honest-I am sometimes just lazy and I don’t do what I have planned because I am not in the mood for it. I am not saying I’ve never had a “perfect” morning routine or a fulfilled day. I just cannot manage to accomplish all I have planned every singe day. I am learning to be fine with that (finally). I was always pushing myself to perfection I could never achieve, and now, I am just done with regrets. I am using my night-time to finish things I didn’t during the day, I moderate, I compromise, I eat vegetables as well as my ice-cream, I workout when I can, I walk to clear my mind, I sleep longer if I get a chance. Life is too short to feel guilty all the time.

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“All the answers you need are inside of you”

I’ve always felt the lack of self-confidence in my life. The reasons behind that feeling of “not being good enough” are always deeper than we think and I know I still have a lot of work to do, but important is that I figured out that something was constantly blocking my way to achieving my goals and I am sick and tired of accusing myself for it. I am tired of the feeling of constant failure and I am quitting the endless chase of “perfection”. I am starting to live in the moment the way I feel is the best. I am breathing in the happiness of a new day and I am being thankful for the things I have, not constantly thinking about the things I haven’t. I am making plans along the way, without any expectations. I am doing things that make me happy and I don’t take any failure tragically. I am not trying to fulfill nobody’s concept of a “perfect day” but my own. I am finding pieces of my happiness in my little daily rituals. There is nothing more beautiful than a morning shower after a workout, or a healthy breakfast in the early sunshine. But I enjoy my bubble baths with a glass of wine as well, and I still watch romantic movies with my ice-cream, without feeling guilty. This is all part of me and I am not giving anything up if it really makes me feel happy. I enjoy those little moments by thankfully and consciously living in them. If my plans turn in an another direction than I imagined, it is fine. I am looking for my own perfection in my own way and in my own time.

Everybody knows the difference between good and bad choices. Everybody knows what makes them feel good and what makes them feel bad. Never before in the history of the mankind has there ever been more information about healthy lifestyle and effective time-management than there is today. I don’t know if this is good or bad because there are more and more unhappy people every day, but one thing I know for sure- we cannot make excuses for “not knowing” any more. We have all the information and all the tools we need. The only thing we don’t have is our own piece inside. We don’t listen to ourselves enough. A successful daily routine is a very subjective concept, there is no universal goals to be achieved. There are some tips for (almost) all people, which are already explained in millions of self-help manuals, books, courses and magazines. There are many motivational apps and websites that can help, too. But there is only one universal truth that applies to everyone: The best expert you can get for yourself and your life is YOU. Only you really know yourself and your problems and weaknesses, so only you know how to deal with them, how to heal them and how to change them.

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“You have the power to change your life”

You don’t need to be a fitness trainer to come up with your morning fitness routine, you know which exercises are good for the abs and which for the legs (just google it if you don’t). And you don’t need to be a life-couch or a shrink to know how to cope with stress or depression, just take a walk and think about the blessings in your life. Think positively, read a little, engage with yourself more and listen what your body is telling you. Learn from other people and their experiences, get out of your comfort zone, travel. Only you have the power to change your life. All the answers you need are inside of you.

Just Be Yourself. Always.

I didn’t write for a while because I had a lot going on recently. Honestly, I forgot about my personal problems and identity crisis because I was too busy preparing myself for job interviews. The thing is, I didn’t have time to think about anything, which is, according to my experience, the best cure for any kind of mental problem, trust me. If you feel depressed, just don’t have time to think about it, do something that will trigger either your creativity or your adrenaline, engage in any kind of challenging activity and get out of your bedroom and daily routine in order to get out of your head. I am not going to talk about my depression here, I just wanted to share my state of mind and tell you a story about not giving up and being yourself, always.

Months ago, I posted my CV on every possible job listing web site on earth and I sent around sixty job applications. Then, I waited in a good faith. Rejections started to hit like bullets, every morning a new one. I was invited to several job interviews in person, some of them were over the phone or via Skype. Then, I received more rejections or even worse, I waited for the answers that never came. I started walking and jogging around the block, I was intensively blogging, eating big ice-creams and taking long bubble baths. I started reading “Eat Pray Love” because I needed some kind of strong mentoring, something to hold on to. Wine and chocolate became my best buddies. I researched about moving to Bali, about the power of Yoga and meditation and I considered the option of opening my Yoga fitness centre. Even a job as a receptionist in a Bali wellness resort never seemed more attractive. In the meanwhile, I became the world’s best house keeper, my laundry was always clean and I cooked every day. I was doing body-peeling 3 times a week (as prescribed) and I polished my nails daily. My state of mind was another story. It was collapsing and my patience was waiting for an explosion. I almost packed my bags and left to nowhere.

One day I got a call from a job agent. She was searching for someone with experience in office administration and invited me for a pre-interview. I got there without any expectations, tired of false hopes, tired of everything, with literally, nothing to lose.  I was like a washed cloth, feeling hundred years old. My mind was like: “You wanna hurt me? Go ahead, I can take it.” The interview was not bad at all, I actually liked the agent because she seemed to understand me, she did not look me with a suspicious eye (like many people do when I speak German). After the interview, I was feeling restless and couldn’t bear waiting for another answer in Vienna, so I went home to Zagreb, just to switch my mindset to another program.

After a few days I got a positive answer from the agent. She told me that the company I am supposed to work for is interested in meeting me personally. I caught the first bus to Vienna and prepared myself for the “real” interview.

The company is big and powerful, which instantly made my palms sweat and my belly nervous. I sucked my feelings in, put my lucky shirt on and dragged myself there. The company is in the centre of the city, where everybody are so nicely dressed up, looking wealthy and happy. I arrived earlier and sat on a bench across the street looking directly into the company building. Lots of tourists were passing by which reminded me of my first arrival to Vienna. At the beginning of my journey here, I often felt unsure in everything, mostly in my decision of leaving my hometown. I was alone and simply lost, in every possible way. I grew up with time (still not completely), learned to deal with fear and loneliness in the way I could, and I crossed a lot of my personal boundaries along the way. I was preparing exams in German, bartending on weekends and maintaining my turbulent Skype-relationship at the same time. I moved four times in five years. I experienced two relationships, hundred love dramas (of all kinds) and million breakdowns and break-ups. I was financially broke for a few months in a row, living on a few bucks per week. I realized in that moment on the bench: I succeeding in everything that crossed my path so far. I felt something I rarely ever felt before: I was PRIDE of myself. I was so aware of my accomplishments, they became so real and so amazing. I said BRAVO to myself for not giving up and for being here today. I stood up, took a deep breath and crossed the street.

I felt like I was on some kind of crossroad. I thought it was going to be either a total disaster or a total success. I decided I was going to give them all I have in this interview, all I really am. I was going to put everything I had on the table, like my last gambling stake. I was aware of my weaknesses, I was scared of failure due to my limited German skills and my limited knowledge about the business they are dealing with (or any kind of business actually) and I was aware of the fact that I don’t have an amazing experience nor self-confidence. Still, giving-up was not an option anymore.

The office manager and her assistant welcomed me politely in a meeting room and offered me coffee and water while we had a small talk about the weather. Million thoughts were crossing my mind. The usual questions about career experience and goals followed soon, together with my “favorite” question: “Why did you study journalism and now are applying for a job in office administration?” The true answer would be: “Because I am not interested in most of the real journalism at all, except maybe Cosmopolitan-kind of journalism, and when I was choosing a college, I search an academic field according to “No Math included”– criteria. Plus, even if I wanted to do journalism, there is no way I could do it here in Vienna in this horrible language”. But instead, I said: “I chose it because it is interesting as an academic field and, back then, I was not thinking about working (exclusively) in journalism” (which is also true). Then I talked about things I am good at, about things I am familiar with. I was completely aware of every moment of that interview and I was answering calmly. I was smiling a lot, like I usually do. I honestly said I was aware of my imperfections, but I strongly emphasized my strengths, looking them in the eyes, using strong adjectives, like goal-oriented and organized. They even tested my computer skills and, after an hour, the manager switched the conversation in English. I was tired and overwhelmed, but English was my comfort zone, so that was my final plus, I guess. Then, the unexpected came…

The manager asked me whether I would like to consider a career in her team (!!), but not as an administration assistant, but as a Junior Account Manager working with international partners (!!??). It means I didn’t get the job I applied for, but I got a better one, a higher position that was not even close to my professional knowledge and experience (!!). The company would actually need to invest in my traineeship in order to prepare me for the “real job”. The manager made that decision according to my character and probably some of my skills, but I couldn’t believe I got her convinced I was good enough for the job, and more importantly, that I succeeded to do that in German (!!). That’s really something to be proud of, trust me. I felt like the luckiest person in the world, like Will Smith at the end of the “Pursuit of Happiness”, like I won the lottery. I wanted to cry, but I waited until I was outside of the building. I called my mom immediately and said: “I did it, mom. I did it, finally.”

There are million tips about the appropriate answers and behavior at a job interview. I prepared my answers according to those tips every time, but after all, the thing that helped me the most was my inner voice and my natural behavior. It is hard to “sell yourself” today and be completely open, but it is important that you stay true to yourself and don’t lie, don’t promise things you cannot keep or pretend you are something you are not. Somebody will recognize that truth, somebody will see that potential, somebody will see the best version of you (even if you don’t), and then, when you got that chance, everything will seem to fall in the right place and simply – it will all work out in the end. Just don’t give up on yourself, ever.

The week after I got the job, another company called me and invited me for an interview. I went just to see the outcome. I got that job as well.